Classic ATCC

Q. Core Commander,
If I tie a big string between two lava columns and have Krogoth walk through, will he trip and kill himself? -Noel

A. Private Noel,
He might. He's just that dumb.

Q. Core Commander ,
I'm thinking of investing in a battleship and an aircraft carrier for the little naval wars in my pool. What do you suggest.
Cwicket , 14
Location: Somewhere in a lake on my flagship

A. Private Cwicket ,
Just don't forget the rubber ducky.

Q. Core Commander ,
So how fast do you travel through a galactic gate? Light speed, ridiculous speed, or ludicrous speed?
Name , 15
Space Ball One

A. Private Name ,
I forget which one is faster, ludicrous or ridiculous. It's about as fast as the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow, if that helps.

Q. Core Commander ,
My mom wants me to weed the garden...I was thinking about taking a shortcut and using my D-Gun...Is this a good idea?
Rob , 15

A. Private Rob ,
The splash pattern on the average D-Gun shot might take out the rose bushes, so this Commander thinks you might have to try the Garden Weasel. A modified scout vehicle, the Garden Weasel removes weeds and grass with it's roof-mounted laser. Plus, its excellent radar can warn you of impending attack.

Q. Core Commander ,
Could you beat up the Power Rangers?
Rob , 15 ,

A. Private Rob ,
Yeah, I've got something they can stick in their Megazord.

Q. Core Commander ,
Commander, help! there are Arm units everywhere! We're in quad section alpha on Core Prime! Hurry!

Pyro 1093 , 23

A. Private Pyro 1093 ,
Stop your whining and commence firing. I have more questions to answer and will be there in a minute.
Sheesh. Kids these days.

Q. Core Commander ,
What would be good present to give my grandfather, a Zeus Kbot?
Ian , 11
New York, NY

A. Private Ian ,
Extra batteries are always nice. Maybe tickets to see "Saving Private Ryan"? This Commander hears the scenes of destruction bring tears of joy to the video receptors.

Q. Core Commander ,
My girlfriend wants me to buy her a D-Gun. Is that wise?
CJ , 14
South Dayton

A. Private CJ ,
Not usually, Private. You could be minding your own business, watching a football game and POW! There goes your favorite Lay-Z-Boy, your chips and salsa, your dog Sparky, your bowling trophy...

Q. Core Commander ,
I think the Core and Arm should be friends and have a big fuzzy group hug. Please?
Dave , 16

A. Private Dave ,
You been sippin' a little too much fusion reactor waste, have you now, Private?

Q. Core Commander ,
My Mother wants to marry this Sumo, but I don't see what she sees in him...Other than his armor, he's the worst husband I've ever seen. What do I do?
Commander #34.57 , 92
Sector# 45, Label #2897

A. Private Commander #34.57 ,
The Commander looking for an elegant solution to the problem might consider switching the Sumo's patterned mind with another. Same armor, new attitude, all love.

Q. Core Commander ,
Don't you remember me from high school?
Bob , 99
Core Prime

A. Private Bob ,
Hmmm...Private...Bob, is it? Did I stuff in you a trash can once? Steal your date for the junior prom? Torch your science lab notes? Refresh my memory here...

Q. Core Commander ,
I need to get to work, but my Weasel's in the shop. What do I do?
Philip , 11
Mission Viejo, CA

A. Private Philip ,
Have you considered Crazy Todd's U-Rent-It? For only $39.95 per day, you can rent a Goliath tank, perfect for those crowded morning commutes. A heavy cannon AND plenty of cupholders! You'll never go back to puny scout craft again!

Q. Core Commander ,
If I could be a vegetable I'd be a carrot.
Superfreak , 11

A. Private Superfreak ,
And if I were a sous, chef, I'd have that carrot sliced and diced quite neatly and used to garnish a salad.

Next question.

Q. Core Commander ,
I'm on the baseball team and everytime I get up to the plate I strike out. Any advice on how to improve my batting?
Dave , 15
Somewhere over the rainbow

A. Private Dave ,
Widen your stance, lower your wrists, and use the patented Core Titanium Alloy XV-9000 Combination Fastball Whomper and Melee Weapon. Cracking home runs -- and skulls -- since 2048!

Q. Core Commander ,
Have you ever seen a Atlas try to make it past 43 Stingers and 12 Cobras while carrying the ARM Commander?
Brent , 13
United States of America

A. Private Brent ,
No. Was it as cool as it sounds?

Q. Core Commander ,
I recently purchased a Series 4 Anti-ARM Armageddon. However, I can't convince the nearby ARM inhabitants to let me install it. What should I do?
Viceriod , 18
Seventh Quarter @ Rougpelt

A. Private Viceriod ,
The stern Commander would go ahead and install it, anyway. Make sure the moly-bolts are sure and tight -- it adds to the explosive yield and the stability of the built-in lunch-tray tables.

Q. Core Commander ,
On inspecting my new Golaith, I noticed that there are pieces of PeeWees stuck between the tracks. How do I remove them without any damage to my tank?
Viceriod , 18
Seventh Quarter @ Rougpelt

A. Private Viceriod ,
This is one of those annoying problems that just doesn't seem to go away, despite advances in Disintegration Gun technology and tank treads. Unfortunately, there's just no current acceptable substitute for a stiff wire brush and a little elbow grease.

Q. Core Commander ,
My D-Gun got jammed when I fired it in the water. It keeps saying explosion in 5 minutes 4 minutes etc. What do I do? Quick!
Aquarsious , 32
In the foggy waters of Aquas

A. Private Aquarsious ,
Well, let's see. Water is formed by the bonding of hydrogen and oxygen, and freezes at a temperature of 0 degrees Celsius, when it forms into ice, a mineral-like...has it been 4 minutes yet?

Q. Core Commander ,
Is it considered inpolite to use an entire nuke against a single PeeWee just because it's blocking my view?
Aiee , 15
Nivaa 20 km n of Copenhagen

A. Private Aiee ,
Yes, but blocking your view of what? The pretty mountains? A sunset? A good RiotBall game? Details, details, details...

Q. Core Commander ,
How do you build a city fast?
Brady , 10

A. Private Brady ,
This Commander would start with a local industry, which might promote a good tax base for social services such as police and fire departments...but somehow, I get the impression that's not the answer you were looking for...

Q. Core Commander ,
How many Sumos can Bill Gates buy?
Nerd , 12

A. Private Nerd ,
As many as he wants, Private. As many as he wants.

Q. Core Commander ,
What is the Core Contingency pack?
Dave , -6

A. Private Dave ,
Strictly a pack of lies about how the Arm won the war, or something like that...

Q. Core Commander ,
How many PeeWees does it take to change a light bulb?
Scrozzy , 15

A. Private Scrozzy ,
Three. One to actually screw in the bulb, and two to stand lookout for the arrival of the Core army. But then, who needs lightbulbs when you're about to be destroyed?

Q. Core Commander ,
Should I tell someone before I send them to Oblivion?
Benjamin , 14

A. Private Benjamin ,
That all depends...what's the weather like in Oblivion this time of year?

Q. Core Commander ,
Hey, is it a bad idea to play chess with captured units? Using them as the chess pieces, I mean?
Alexander , 16

A. Private Alexander ,
That's not a bad idea at all, Private! The PeeWees could be the pawns, the Flashs the knights...of course, the Arm Commander blows up when you reach checkmate, right?

Q. Core Commander ,
I'm getting really tired of people jet skiing on my lake....what kind of defensive systems do you recommend?

Mobilman , 19
PennState University Park

A. Private Mobilman ,
This Commander recommends the purchase of a good Bass Boat with the optional TC-38 Six-Pack Missile System. Now you can catch the real lunkers when you're bass fishing, and the sound-activated, radar-guided, fuel-injected missiles will rid you of your jet skiers in no time.

Q. Core Commander ,
Where do they put bodies after patterning? Compost?
Poopmonkey , 14

A. Private Poopmonkey ,
Well, private, where exactly do you think that hamburger came from? The Hamburger Fairy?

Q. Core Commander ,
My captured Fido ate my homework. Do I D-Gun him or set him loose at school to distract the teacher?
Thou , 16
In a random Eastern European country or something

A. Private Thou ,
A very elegant suggestion, if I may say so. Might I also suggest a rolled-up newspaper for the errant Fido?




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